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Apr 01
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The Joy of Tax Season!

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – FEB• 19•11It’s tax season again! Saying this to Uncle Sam is like saying, “It’s deer season” to a hunter. Government officials are loading up while IRS agents point out the big game. Uncle Sam is so excited, he’s already spent what he’ll bag this year. And next year. And the next. I could go on, but you’ll bore if I list how many years Sam has already hocked. Each election season, our Uncle may change his appearance, but he’s been remarkably consistent in presenting a smiling face as he gives a warm hug, and pats his people on the wallet. A few years ago, one of our Uncles inspired us with a sacrifice of pulling seventy-dollars out of his millions, and donating it to charity, and then proclaiming that we all should give our fair share. Another year, his first lady declared her used underwear as a contribution, and wrote it off her taxes. Now that’s inspiration! What more could our leaders do to show their intimate care of the American people, than to share their undies with the less fortunate? I have a limited amount of undies, but I’ve taken my fingers, forced the […]
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Jan 21
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Lost in the Jungle

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – JAN• 21•11I walked alone in the jungles of Panama, trying to find something that looked familiar. After hours of wandering, and seeing what looked like the same scenery, I realized that I was in serious trouble. Was that the same coconut tree I saw a few minutes ago? And a few hours ago. Slowly, fear wrapped its fingers around me, and my heart beat rose to match my increasing panic. As the seriousness of my predicament set in, I found myself fighting to slow my breathing and clear my head. A stream of sweat flowed across my brow and stung the corner of my eyes as it continued on its path to my soaked t-shirt. Heat radiated around me, trapped by the humid air in this Central American jungle. I tried to gather my thoughts and assemble them into some form of logic, but it was like herding stampeding cats. I attempted to wipe away the sweat that was stinging my eyes, but my moist hands were little help. I had to pull myself together if I hoped to find escape from this jungle prison. It was difficult to remain calm, knowing that one of […]
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Jan 01
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Resolutions Worth Keeping

I watched December desperately holding on to my calendar as I ripped it away. The old year was gone—along with its problems, triumphs, disappointments, successes, and failed commitments. In my mind’s eye, I could see last year’s resolutions clinging to the page, crying out for me to give a last effort to fulfill the empty promises I made last New Year’s. I dropped it into the waste basket and closed the lid. Oh, the guilt! Some of those resolutions will die without so much as an effort. Resolutions are like campaign promises. I promise, that if I’m elected to return to the office of my life, I’ll kiss babies, balance the budget, right every wrong, and give myself for the good of mankind. After the big day passes, little thought is given to the promises made until the next campaign season. I sat at the living room table and tried to recount last year’s resolutions. The pangs of guilt changed my mind. Why reflect on what’s lost? This is a new year and a new beginning. Why cry over spilled milk, right? This year, I’m keeping it simple. I’m going to narrow it to three. I plopped down, grabbed my […]
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Dec 21
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Mom’s Meltdown

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – DEC• 21•10One advantage writers have is that every situation is viewed through the eyes of our internal writer. Frustrations, heartaches, joys, and all other events of daily life find their places on our ‘to write’ list. The truth is, smooth sailing doesn’t make for good reading. So when someone tells me a frustrating story, internally I’m wringing my hands and saying, “This is going to be great on paper!” Not that I don’t feel sympathy, but it quickly fades when my devious writer begins to emerge. Such a story crossed my path the other day. A friend we’ll call Jane had a difficult day not long ago. Jane drove down the road in her brand new SUV. The new car smell still hung in the air. Her three boys were cutting up in the back – as boys often do. One was eating hard candy. Knowing hard candy and whooping and hollering don’t mix well, she said, “You need to calm down while eating that. Or you’ll get choked.” Her warning held his attention for about twenty-five seconds. Less than a minute later, she heard a gagging sound, and sure enough, her little boy was […]
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May 10
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The Edge of Innocence

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – MAY• 10•10Growing up in the south during the late 60s, I was raised on the edge of innocence. The simple joys I learned from my grandparents would become a strong foundation for dealing with life as it unfolded around me. The years ahead would bring the sexual revolution, an unprecedented number of divorces, and crime rates that would alter the open society thatAmericaonce held dear. Brass locks that decorated my grandparent’s doors served no real function. I never once heard a knock at the door. All of their friends just waltzed in as if they were part of the family—and indeed, they were. In most modern day neighborhoods, strangers live next door, but in the era of my grandparents, it was hard to find anyone you did not know. I can remember fidgeting impatiently when a five-minute trip to buy fishing bait turned into a thirty-minute conversation with someone my grandfather had not seen in a whole month. He never made it out of any business without a lengthy conversation. As a young boy, my greatest cares were getting out of school without homework and hoping it wouldn’t rain when I wanted to fish. I […]
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Apr 09
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Now That’s Academics!

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – FEB• 09•10I graduated in the top ninety-eight percent of my class. That’s what I tell people, because it’s true, and it sounds good. Most people say, “Wow. You must be smart.” Ninety-eight percent covers all but the lowest two percent of the student body; therefore, it could place me anywhere between the top of the class, and the bottom three percent of the class. I’ll let you make a guess as to where on the scale I landed. Let’s just say that I’m the guy who went to college to become a wit, but only got half-way done. When employed in the IT department at Delta Technologies, a woman I worked with lamented over her sixteen-year-old son. “He’s going to be a bum,” she said. She explained how poorly he did in school, and that he never applied himself to academics. While I recounted my high school days, her eyes lit up. She was so delighted with my poor performance that she exclaimed, “You don’t know how much hope you’ve given me!” How exciting! My pathetic school performance had become an inspiration to others! And my high school counselor said I wouldn’t amount to anything. […]
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Feb 10
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War for the Roses

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – FEB• 13•10ay Leno once said, “It’s Valentines Day. Or as men call it, Extortion Day.” When romantic days draw near, married men break into a sweat. Romance was easier when love was new, but after nineteen years of marriage, all card bearing days have become a challenge. I find myself in the same predicament each anniversary, Valentines Day, Christmas, Mothers Day, and each of the other fourteen days that require an over-priced card. I stare at the cards, and have déjà vu, all over again. All the cards look familiar and I worry that I’m about to buy a card I’ve already given her. I think about surprising us both, and grabbing one at random. I’ve heard nightmare stories about men buying the first pretty card that comes along, only to find that it says something like, “To my favorite mother-in-law.” I’ll never do that again, uh, I mean, what kind of an idiot doesn’t read the card. When I browse through the cards, it becomes a battle of finding the right words, without throwing fuel on any simmering coals. Apparently, I’m not the only man who has created a few touchy memories. Single men […]
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Feb 06
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Slysdexics are Teople Poo

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – FEB• 06•10 I didn’t even know how to spell dyslexia until I found out I are one. Once, when making a joke about dyslexia, a woman scolded me, saying that it was degrading, offensive, and I shouldn’t make fun of people who struggle with this problem. To which I replied, “I joke for my apologize.” Since I was born and raised in the town of Dyslexia, I retain the right to joke about myself, and the people in our exclusive community. If you are one of those rare people who are unaware of it, Dyslexia is a condition where numbers, words, and other facts have a tendency of getting scrambled in our minds. For most of my life, I was unaware of my condition, or that it was fairly common. As a young boy, I saw a commercial about dyslexia where a boy looked at various street signs and saw what looked like a game of Jumble. I was grateful that when I looked at road signs, I didn’t see SOPT HADEA like those poor kids with dyslexia did. That translates into STOP AHEAD in case you’re confused. For years, I wondered why I made […]
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Feb 04
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Oh no! My child is talking!

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – FEB• 04•10Have you noticed that kids often say the strangest things? It wouldn’t be so bad, if not for the fact that my children carry my last name, thus making it undeniable that I bear some of the responsibility for what pops out of their mouths. Sometimes they repeat things we would rather that they had not heard, and sometimes they blurt out things that we swear they didn’t hear in our household. When my eldest daughter, Emily, was four years old, she wanted Daddy to play with her Barbie and playhouse. With my keen imagination, I lay on my back and made my doll dance back and forth while her doll did all the talking. My only lines were to say, “Okay,” and “Oh!” That covered any possible situation. Her doll approached mine and said, “Let’s do the dishes.” After giving serious thought to the proposition, my Barbie did a little jig and said, “Okay.” My part was done. Her Barbie pranced over to the kitchen, picked up a little Barbie dish, dropped it, and shouted, “Oh darn!” Only she didn’t say darn. It might take some brainpower, but you can probably figure out […]
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Jan 09
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Grab the Nachos, Here Comes the Blizzard

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – JAN• 09•10This has been an unusually cold winter, by Georgia standards. In this region, we are doing well to have one winter storm a year, but in the last month, we’ve had three. The bad news about southern snow is that the temperature is rarely below freezing when snow begins, so the early snow melts, and then refreezes into a slick hazard. Non-southern drivers are sometimes caught off guard by the ice hidden beneath the snow. When the winter weather predictions start rolling in, it is always preceded by a squall line of panic. The very thought of snow causes mass school closings and a fight for survival at the grocery store. People battle over bread, batteries, and milk in the fear that starvation might begin before the next sunrise when the snow melts off the streets. Being the seasoned southern weather survivor I am, I’ve learned that the only thing needed is a video and a bag of nachos. I didn’t take one of our disaster scares seriously this year until I headed to the grocery store to pick up cold medicine for a sick child. During the drive, I heard that a major […]
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