WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – AUG• 19•11
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!
A note left on the table: How to wash a cat.
- Thoroughly clean the toilet.
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
- Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so
that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too
close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for anything he can find.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be
- Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure
that there are no people between the toilet and the
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.
- The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and
run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
The Laws of Cat Physics
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
A Cat’s prayer of thanks.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!
I’ve trapped her legs, she’s tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and “I want food!”
I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my human’s chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth-
And my claws I will unsheathe
For the morning here
and it’s time to play
always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!
Things to learn from cats.
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that’s why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, “I care”.
Odd Cat Facts
The first cat show was in 1871 at the Crystal Palace in London
Besides smelling with their nose, cats can smell with
an additional organ called the Jacobson’s organ,
located in the upper surface of the mouth
In ancient Egypt, killing a cat was a crime punishable by death
Cats lack a true collarbone. Because of this, cats can
generally squeeze their bodies through any space
they can get their heads through. You may have seen a cat
testing the size of an opening by careful measurement with the head
Cats sleep 16 to 18 hours per day
A large majority of white cats with blue eyes are deaf.
White cats with only one blue eye are deaf only in the ear closest
to the blue eye. White cats with orange eyes do not have this disability
1) Your cat waits and meows at the door when you arrive. Is it saying:a. Welcome home
b. The phone rang twice while you were out
c. Feed me
2) Now your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:a. Please don’t leave me here all alone
c. But what if I get hungry while you’re out?
3) Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:a. An unsuppressed primal instinct
b. A sign of affection
c. A demand to be fed now
4) Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:a. Lemme out – I need to use the garden
b. I wanna go out and play
c. Wonder what they’ve got to eat next door?
The answers are: C, C, C, and C.