Writing Mistakes – Bad Definitions
A verb is something to eat
An example of a collective noun is a garbage can
The imperfect tense is used in France to express a future action in past time which does not take place at all
Will Wordsworth was a poet, and if he is still alive, composes poems to this day
The use of a wrong word is called a malaproposition, because it is a word in a bad place instead of another word
Quadrupeds has no singular; you cannot have a horse with 1 leg
Writing Mistakes – Bad Vocabulary
Amateur: A very good person in sports
Cadet: A boy who carries golf clubs
Cynical: A cynical lump of sugar is one pointed at the top
Dead heat: Anything in such a raging heat that it would kill you
Ignition: The art of not noticing
Income: A yearly tax
Individual: One piece of people
Inter alia: Something in the ale
Lie: An aversion to the truth
Preposterous: a child born after his father’s death
Quorum: Another word for quandary. It happens at meetings.
Spectre: A man who cheers a football team
Transparent: Something you can see through — for instance, a keyhole
Snow: Rain, all popped out white
Stars: The moon’s eggs
Writing Mistakes – Bad Analogies. Very Bad.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy wh o went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes wit h a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pin hole in it.
Joseph Romm, Washington
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
Russell Beland, Springfield
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surre al quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Roy Ashley, Washington
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Russell Beland, Springfield
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Unknown
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Jack Bross, Chevy Chase
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
Russell Beland, Springfield
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the gra ssy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland a t 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Russell Beland, Springfield
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like under pants in a dryer without Cling Free
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Unknown
Writing Blunders
From a Student’s Christmas Card:
“May You Be Full of it
This Peaceful Holiday Season!”
Health brochure:
It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.
Writing Mistakes – Bad Explanations
Last night, when I ate dinner, I started joking.
My friend hit my back very hard until I stopped.
I was so lucky he was there!
Parents:
I always ate lunch at school.
But every day my mother made me suffer.
My bed has three blankets
and a large guilt my parents gave me.
My father met us at the airport
and gave me a big hog.
Then he hogged my wife.
Renting:
How many people live in your apartment building?
I don’t know for sure, but I have wild gas.
You can’t sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That’s what most of my friends do when they visit.
Weddings:
I have something exciting to tell you. My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!
The groom was wearing a very nice croissant.
He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss.
Sports:
When we won, I was so exciting I had goose pimps all over my body.
Did I tell you I climbed half way up one of the tallest pigs in the world?
It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air.
A Recipe:
-First, heat up your pants really hot, then add oil.
-Put the cabbages in salt water. Then sit in the sink until the morning.
-Next, chop all the vegetarians into little pieces.
-Next, add a little Buddha and mix it all up.
-When you are finished cooking, find a suitable bowel and eat it with chopsticks.
I know they put a lot of work in this dish, but I think I’ll skip this meal.
