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Sep 15
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Aging humor (ie. Old Folk Jokes)

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:1) You believe in Santa Claus.2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.3) You are Santa Claus.4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS:At age 4 success is . . . not […]
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Feb 20
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Spring Tryouts – An award winning flash fiction story.

WRITTEN BY: EDDIE SNIPES – FEB• 20•09This is an award winning story I wrote in Flash Fiction. Flash fiction is a complete short story of less than 900 words. “When I smell the aroma of Spring, I always think of the beginning of baseball season”, Ted spoke out loud to no one in particular, his eyes sparkling with wonder at the field of Fenway Park. As a lifelong Red Sox fan, Ted had always wanted to visit this park, and now he was actually in this historic stadium. To the right stood the infamous Green Monster. At 304 feet, the right field wall was one of the shortest distances in Major League baseball. Hitters were seduced by the short field, but the thirty-seven foot behemoth robbed many great men of their glory. Ted’s thoughts ran back to his childhood memories of baseball. As a freshman in high school, it was his dream to play baseball, but nature wasn’t kind to him. He was short, skinny, and considered to be more of an egghead than an athlete. “You don’t have to be an athlete to be somebody”, his mother explained when he decided he wanted to try out. “Besides, at your […]
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Nov 01
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Funny Writing Mistakes

Writing Mistakes – Bad Definitions A verb is something to eat An example of a collective noun is a garbage can The imperfect tense is used in France to express a future action in past time which does not take place at all Will Wordsworth was a poet, and if he is still alive, composes poems to this day The use of a wrong word is called a malaproposition, because it is a word in a bad place instead of another word Quadrupeds has no singular; you cannot have a horse with 1 leg Writing Mistakes – Bad Vocabulary Amateur: A very good person in sports Cadet: A boy who carries golf clubs Cynical: A cynical lump of sugar is one pointed at the top Dead heat: Anything in such a raging heat that it would kill you Ignition: The art of not noticing Income: A yearly tax Individual: One piece of people Inter alia: Something in the ale Lie: An aversion to the truth Preposterous: a child born after his father’s death Quorum: Another word for quandary. It happens at meetings. Spectre: A man who cheers a football team Transparent: Something you can see through — for instance, a […]
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Jul 11
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Letter from a marine recruit

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.. Tell them to join up quick before all ofthe places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on ‘route marches,’ which the platoon sergeant says are long […]
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Nov 15
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Universal Laws

  1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to go to the bathroom.
  2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
  4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
  5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
  6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
  7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
  9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will….
  10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
  12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
  14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
  15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
  16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
  17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
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